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Mental Health: My Latest Bout With Depersonalization - Derealization

Depersonalization: a state in which one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not to belong to oneself, or in which one loses all sense of identity.

Derealizationa feeling that one’s surroundings are not real

Sensitivity towards Depersonalization and Derealization significantly differ now, as opposed to how ruinous this time in 2017 turned out. All was well and still is, but DP/DR still ran its distance around the circumference of my mental state. I reached a point where it’s happening quite often, however, I’m almost numb to it — completely — as if life is destined to remain a simulated, stimulating course.

Becoming hyper-aware is the best-worst feeling. For one, you gain a better sense of “self.” Second (sadly), you lose a sense of yourself. Who you once were is no longer here. It’s a sacrifice. At least for me. More questions exists than answers for DP/DR.

The obstacle resides in the “escape.” Here’s why: You’re trying to escape a dream-like world, to get back to a stable sense of reality. You cannot, should not escape the simulation with drugs and alcohol — this prolongs recovery — drawing you further from reality. In all honesty, there are days of doubt. Sometimes, it feels as if I’m attempting to escape the inescapable. I’m inside of the house and the house is currently on fire, yet, how do I escape.

Positive outlook on Depersonalization/Derealization

More intuitive, there’s a drive to acquire the knowledge necessary to get better and educate those who aren’t quite familiar with this mental health illness. Or, educate those who experience depersonalization or derealization and were unaware of an attached name.

Negative outlook on Depersonalization/Derealization / Friendship introduction

The negative is NOT outweighed by the optimism. This disorder does become difficult when dealing with friends, associates, family, colleagues, etc — they may not understand — most likely won’t understand. Marijuana usage: done, gone, but never forgotten. My participation, recreational use is done. However, majority of my inner circles still indulge, as they should. The same goes for alcohol. Alcohol is different because I still drink, just much lighter than my peers. Yes, they joke around and clown me when I am unable to finish my drink, but they say “we’re just joking.” Which I believe they are, but the foundation for why I am not consuming these vices is deep. It’s about survival and I don’t need to feel anymore detached from life than I already am.

Friendship

Though a mixture of life factors assist me in becoming distant from friends, none strike better than derealization. The barrier that stands in between my social life is too much to ignore. It does get better, but a lot of time and energy is put forth to ensure that I am nurturing healthy outcomes.

Making better efforts to educate those around me is vital — I want to be understood — as much as possible. Anomaly I am, but relatable I always remain. We all have an issue, some of us more than others. So, compassion, empathy, and sympathy is of the essence.

Choose wisely in your escape. You can’t negate all emotions, hoping they’ll lose motion — you’re likely causing more commotion. I decided to make mental health my devotion — remaining open and sharing my story for those of us who feel closed off and worry — we just want to hold off on an early demise of time.

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